i am nothing without pretend
by my best enemy
Summary: i know my thoughts, can't live with them. damon and elena, on life without stefan. stelena, defan, some delena.


**i am nothing without pretend**

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stefan leaves. he _leaves_. he waits until her transition is over, until klaus is finally out of tyler's body, until she's adjusted to her new vampire life and then he leaves her. he can't stay, he says, face towards the floor, not when it's his fault she's undead. he should've saved her.

she collapses and sobs and throws things, making the whole boarding house shake like it's about to fall apart. she screams _i chose you, stefan, you, i can't live without you, i need you, stefan, i love you, i love you, i love you. _even after he is long gone, after damon has helped her into bed (_stefan's_ bed), after she has become completely hoarse.

because this is different, it's not like when stefan had to go with klaus, when he spiraled off into the deep end. it's his _choice. _he's leaving her on _purpose_.

she doesn't understand. why would he do this? how is she supposed to keep living (or not living, or whatever it is vampires do) if he's not there?

who is she without stefan's love?

.

there is one thing that, eventually, after two weeks of crying, of pleading, of staring up at the ceiling and praying for the love of her life to come home, gives elena the strength to get up and get dressed and go hunting with caroline (and she can't help but remember that the last time, it had been with stefan) . it's jeremy, her lost little brother, the reason she transitioned in the first place, so he wouldn't be alone. and she owes it to him to at least act like she's making an effort.

(it's also the fact that damon is getting sick of bringing her blood and she so hungry that it terrifies her)

_she's getting better_, she hears bonnie say to caroline. they're in the kitchen with matt, trying to cook dinner (if she were still alive, she would be downstairs with them, talking and laughing, stefan's arm around her waist, not sitting in her bedroom, trying not to kill her friends). they still forget that she can hear everything, now, with the vampire powers she never wanted.

but bonnie's wrong, anyway, she isn't getting better, she's just getting better at hiding her feelings, at flipping that switch that damon says doesn't exist.

things happen: matt wins a football scholarship, caroline runs off with the originals for a few months, bonnie and jeremy get back together, tyler moves to california to live with some long-lost werewolf relatives.

elena doesn't care about any of this. she's a robot now, stone cold. stefan doesn't love her? fine. she won't love anything.

.

it's the ideal situation, really. his brother's gone-and not forced away, not out of some noble sacrifice to save damon-no, he's left of his own free will. his own fault.

still, it's fucking typical that his oh-so-_selfless_ brother can be so unknowingly selfish sometimes. elena's a wreck, she's improving slightly, but it's not pretty, in fact it's downright fucked-up.

and of course, stefan wouldn't stop to think that maybe his brother needs him, too. it's not like he's ever had many friends and ric's gone, for good this time (damon can't even go to the grille anymore, just one step inside and he can see their favorite booth, their favorite bar stools, their favorite whiskey, and every tequila shot, every late-night, poorly thought-out plan, every short-lived fight, every drunken conversation, every fucking memory of the best and only friend he's ever had comes crashing down on him like a sledgehammer to the face).

he hadn't been lying when he'd said _you're all i got_.

but this is his chance, right? his chance to get the girl he loves, maybe elena chose stefan, but stefan's not here, and she's a vampire, and _they met first_, and she knows that now. and he takes care of her, he helps her hunt, he makes sure she doesn't wallow or get depressed, he tries not to do anything she might possibly deem as 'destructive'. he's being the good guy, he's changing, all for her.

he kisses her one lazy afternoon and she doesn't protest and he feels content. and if her movements are slightly jerky, her eyes slightly lifeless, her smile slightly strained, he elects not to notice.

.

she supposes they're a couple now. she doesn't really care either way.

she lets damon trail his lips over her face and neck and fondle her hair and slide his hand under her shirt and she imagines she still feels what she used to feel. because a part of her did fall in love with him, those cold nights when klaus was keeping stefan prisoner, turning him into a monster. her world was ending and he had been there to protect her, to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart.

but times have changed. her world has already ended. she doesn't need protecting. her heart can't be repaired.

on the first anniversary of their kiss on the porch (the one that had made her feel giddy and guilty at the same time), she finally, finally, sleeps with damon. as he kisses her collarbone, she looks up and pictures a brilliant sunset and a hundred year-old teenage boy who had said he wanted to be with her forever.

and she had promised him, _it's you and me, stefan. always._

if only.

.

_do you want to talk to me?_ caroline is beautiful and happy, forever seventeen. she's been to paris, to london, to budapest, all with klaus (and elena should care, because klaus _killed_ her, once, but elena doesn't feel, so elena doesn't care).

_i'm worried about you._ but bonnie doesn't _look_ worried. her witch powers are strong, stronger than anyone could've imagined. she's going to the university of richmond (and elena knows she could've gone, too, but what would be the point?).

_you know i'm here for you, elena_. jeremy's almost finished with high school. he hasn't seen a ghost in almost a year. his ring is no more than a keepsake (and elena wishes she could be proud of him, be happy for him, but she's selfish now).

_i love you_, says damon, and elena swallows everything inside and tells him _i love you, too_.

she wonders when she went from having enough room in her heart to love two brothers at once, to having no heart at all.

.

to be honest, it serves him right. it's payback for everything he's done, the people he's ripped apart, raped, compelled, whose memories he's twisted, just for his own pleasure.

because, really, he should be happy. he has everything he wants-he loves elena and elena loves him-

_- she does she doesn't she does she doesn't she does she doesn't she doesdoesdoesn't-_

-but somehow-somehow he's _not. _not happy. he won't admit it, he won't, but he wants his brother, his annoying little brother with his stupid journal-scribbling and brooding forehead and impossible self-righteousness. he wants to tease him about the woodland creatures and taunt him with blood bags and fight and yell and be _together_ again. he regrets everything he said to stefan, everything that drove him away from mystic falls. it's his fault, _his_, at least partially.

alaric's grave is peaceful and plain, only a few daisies in a jack daniel's bottle (damon's contribution) as decoration. as damon sits there, it dawns upon him that nothing has changed since he came back to mystic falls two years ago. he's just as alone as ever.

.

damon's taken to watching her, lately. not in a creepy way, more concerned. and it's strange, because for once in their lives, there is no reason to be concerned, none at all.

unless, maybe, he's finally caught on.

_do you still miss him?_, he asks one day. they usually don't talk about stefan, in fact they never talk about him, despite the fact that his ghost lingers everywhere, in the library, in her bedroom, in damon's face.

and elena wants to explain _everything_: how she can still feel his fingertips brushing hair away from her face, how she can still see his green eyes, so sweet and so sad, how she can still hear his voice, telling her truth after truth after truth, tellingher _this is a future memory_. but it's not the kind of memory he thought it would be, the kind they would smile softly at, it's the kind that makes her sob into her pillow, filled with _longing_, such _longing_.

you see, damon was right, he was _so_ right. there is no switch you can flip. it's just pretend.

she doesn't say any of this. instead she says, _i don't think we can be together anymore_.

because, in that instant, she makes a decision. she's going to find him.

.

she asks caroline. it should've been obvious the whole time, really, that stefan has been in touch with her. and her best friend's face lights up like the sun at elena's request.

(_stefan is your epic love_, she had said and elena speculates if this is still the case)

it is the middle of the night when she sets off. damon tells her to be careful, his voice completely non-snarky, so unlike him. and at once, she feels utterly terrible for all the hurt she's caused him._ i_-, she begins, but he cuts her off. _just go do what you need to do, elena_.

she does. she goes to chicago and she tracks down his address. his apartment number is 78b. his door is green. standing in front of it, she forgets to breathe and remembers she doesn't need to anymore. she knocks and he answers.

they stare at each other for what seems like an eternity. _i forgive you_, she chokes out and and all is understood.

and as his so familiar arms envelope her, as she breathes in the smell of his t-shirt, as he murmurs into her hair (_iloveyoui'msorryiloveyoui'msosorryiloveyouelenaelenael enaelena_) for the first time in who-knows-how-long, she feels something...good. it feels-it feels-like _home_.

.

damon tries, he really does, to conjure up his old anger at the two of them, but he just can't. sadness is there, disappointment too, of course, but no bitterness, not even jealousy. it's unnerving.

_you're happy because they're happy_, his inner voice tells him. and damon realizes that being selfless isn't so bad after all.

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**i hope it wasn't too ooc, elena is really hard to write. song credits go to wye oak. a review would be absolutely lovely, especially if you favorited.**


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